Freeway Musings It's been a while since I posted anything here. I know. I know. The urge to share with the greater world comes and goes. [shrug] Conrad woke up at 5:30 this morning and despite Adrienne's best efforts would not go back to sleep. So I was treated to a morning with my family and breakfast. I shuttled Adrienne off to do some yoga and got Con-man ready for the day. Shorts and a hawaiian shirt and his tennis shoes, "I want to wear my running shoes daddy". "Absolutely, and why would you want to wear anything else?" So I got him dressed and I got to play Darth Vader a little and teach the young Ben Kanobi a thing or two about the power of the dark side before heading out into the morning and work. Leaving for work is a different thing on the days when C is up and about. It breaks my heart into little pieces. "I have to go to work now kiddo". He looks up at me still holding his light saber. "Not yet". "I have to go honey or I'm going to be late". All of which means nothing to him of course. So I watch the brief second of shock settle into perfect face. His brow crumples, his eyes redden and he lowers his head into the sofa pillow and begins to sob. I suppose it's good that he misses me when I'm not there. But I don't feel that way then. I can feel the guilt, shame and urge to run coming at me like another personality. So I lean over and give him a kiss on his perfect head and pet his hair. " I love you honey, I know you don't understand. I'll be home in a few hours to play", and I walk out the door and hold my hand up in the air signing I love you. It's a strange trick of modern society that pulls a parent from their kids in order to provide. Robert Bly insist in Iron John that part of my job as a father is to show Conrad how to be fierce. Not savage like Bush and his brethren, knelt so dutifully in prayer to the prince of peace while they send the American military on a modern day crusade, but fierce. I'm not real sure what the difference is, but I know I don't feel fierce as I drive away with a catch in my throat. I'll never be a good enough father to him. Never. Not from lack of trying, I'm just trying to find a place where I can be ok with that. As I pull up to a stop light, I remind myself to practice meditating at the red lights...